One year on

Today marks my first "anniversary"- can't believe it has already been a year since I was first admitted to the hospital. 

There are times when I'll randomly scroll through the posts of this blog, re-playing the different experiences in my mind. I know that they may not all be the happiest, and most of the time I end up tearing- but they do remind me to stay strong, stay hopeful, and to always have faith. I have been so blessed with the love and support of my family and the people around me. 

I'd also like to update that my heart ablation on Thursday wasn't as successful as we have hoped it to be... But at least there are no complications for now and my palpitations are most likely gone. More about that another day. 

13 September 2015: One thing's for sure- I'll never let any disease or illness rob me of my joy, because I've learnt that no matter how small, there's always something to be thankful for. 

Link between my low LVEF and Radiation

Yesterday, I saw Dr Yeoh (radiation oncology) with my mom before I went for my radiotherapy session. Dr Eric (cardiology) was concerned about my weakened heart function with radiotherapy (read more about my low LVEF in my previous post), but Dr Yeoh cleared the air during the consultation.

1. Generally based on long-term research, lymphoma and breast cancer patients will suffer from cardiac problems (if any) only 5-10 years after radiotherapy.

2. Today's technology is so advanced, radiation oncologists are able to pinpoint the area they're shooting radiation at, and calculate the dosage of radiation that a vital organ might be getting. For my case, my mass is in my chest, but Dr Yeoh reassures us that the heart and lungs are only being affected minimally. Some statistics to give you a bigger picture:

- The safety limit which the heart receives radiation is at 10%; and at this level, 1% of patients got cardiac problems. 

- My heart is receiving radiation of 0.16%... so the risk of me getting cardiac problems due to radiation is really verrryyyy low. 

3. Dr Yeoh said that even before I started on radiotherapy, when he was checking the 3D images, I already had a huge heart. 

Me: *chuckles* "What do you mean by a huge heart?"

Dr Yeoh: Imagine working your arms with dumbbells every day, your muscles will grow right? Likewise, a heart is a muscle — it means that your heart has been working very hard with your Wolff Parkinson White (my underlying heart problem), and of course, lymphoma.

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Dr Yeoh then gave a call to Dr Eric, and they had a 15 min discussion over the phone. They agreed that given that my echo scan was done after 3 radiation sessions, my low LVEF should be the cummulative effect of my WPW, lymphoma and chemotherapy. 

On a separate note, I messaged Dr Eric separately and told him about my side effects after taking the new medication. He told me to cut down the dosage by half, so hopefully everything will be better from now!

Dealing with Hair Loss

(L-R) Bob, Pixie, Just before going to the salon, Shaving halfway (couldn't resist taking a photo teehee I look so badass)

I have been keeping this blog post on hold because it means so much to me. Since my chemotherapy sessions have come to an end, I thought it would be a good time to share it here — not for the purpose for others, but rather, more for my myself to remember.

I shaved off my hair on 20th October 2014 after my second chemotherapy. In the mornings, my pillow would have collected strands of hair, and I will continue shedding hair throughout the day around the house. Honestly, it was getting frustrating, and emotionally draining whenever my hair dropped in clumps (especially when I showered!). 

I remember it being either the first or second day that I was back home after my second cycle... It popped up while I was talking to my mom, and it was rather impromptu I'd must say. I took half an hour to decide if it was the day to shave — I stared at the mirror, prayed for strength, and thought, sooner or later right?

The next important question: Which salon should I go to? 

I didn’t want to trouble my hair stylist to come down to my place (like how he came to SGH to cut my bob, and for my pixie style I actually went do to the salon at Siglap), and since I thought shaving didn’t need much skill; I did a quick google search and settled for the most random salon on the second floor at Elias Mall near home.

My mom accompanied me, and when I walked into the salon… “I would like to shave my hair, please”. The hairdresser asked softly, “all of it?” I nodded, and there weren’t any more questions.

Army boys have different ‘levels’ of shaving, so I thought this was the best thing to describe how short I wanted my hair to be. “Number 4!” … It turned out messy, and worse, patchy. Unfortunately, hair loss from chemotherapy is horribly uneven. For me, most of my hair loss is at the crown of my head, compared to the back. So from Number 4, it became Number 1, and then it just became 0 (i.e. the shortest the shaver could go).

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I’ve always thought that those who shaved for Hair for Hope were really brave. I even remember having this conversation with a group of friends jokingly: “Maybe if you pay me $10,000 I’d go for it. Actually maybe $100,000??” 

Well, the joke’s on me now. I don’t know how to put this nicely… I guess for young males with shaved heads, people go, “oh, army boy”. For females, if it’s not during Hair for Hope, first reactions would usually be, “oh no, she has cancer”. It's like no matter how brave you are, it's just so damn hard to walk along the streets bald. 

I think my worst fear is for a kid to see me and to ask his/her mom, “Mummy, why doesn’t she have hair?” WAH I think I’ll cry. Thankfully, my mom thought well ahead, and brought me to buy my wig right after my first chemotherapy when I wasn’t shedding as much hair yet. True story: We were in the lift heading to the car park, when this boy (carried by his mom) PULLED MY WIG!!!!!! Um… Lucky it didn’t drop? The mom kept apologising, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t know it was a wig, but still?! Could the boy really recognise the fake hair? (Actually my wig is made of real hair haha but ok, not the point!)

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Hair loss hasn’t been limited to my head — I’ve lost ALL my eyebrows and eyelashes too. I used to have longer than average eyelashes so I was quite sad when my last old eyelash dropped during my last chemotherapy (I really had the hope that it'll be the last one standing haha). But thank God they've been growing out pretty quickly such that it’s not fully bare at once. To think of it positively... at least it’s like a full body IPL? Hahaha

I’ve gotten used to my new (hair)style the past few months. It is definitely breezier and makes showering a whole lot easier. I have been reading Joyce Meyer’s Living Courageously — “You can face anything, just do it afraid”. I know I wouldn’t be able to walk around a mall without a wig (sorry this one really too extreme), but I thought I took a baby step forward when I walked around the hospital on two occasions au naturel. 

I have been refusing to wear a beanie cuz I think I look very sickly and weak, and I have horrible scarf tying skills… So the wig has been the best option for me. Of course, there are still a few days when I scroll through Instagram and feel sad when other girls caption ‘bad hair day’ when they still look gorgeous anyway. 

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To be honest, it didn’t come easy. I curled up on my bed and cried like a baby when my first clump of hair came off in the shower. Hair loss has taught me many things — I know it may seem like a trivial side effect of chemotherapy because ‘hair can always grow back’, but I’m glad, and proud, that with God’s grace, I have learnt to slowly overcome this.

Yet having said all these, I’m still a girl, so… hair quickly grow back please!!!

"What do you do in your free time?"

I hardly leave the house nowadays because it's important that I stay away from crowded places as my immune system is down and I don't wanna get sick. Anyway I'm the kind that normally loves staying home all day long so it doesn't really matter... I know some people feel 'trapped' in their own home but not me!! I love my home! To get fresh air, I'll stand at the balcony for some sunlight (vitamin D!) and enjoy the pool view. Lol when I typed that out it sounds quite sad... But it really isn't!

I used to take walks downstairs by the pool but I'm trying to avoid any activity that will make my heart pump faster. I don't want it to start racing again because I don't wanna head back to the hospital anytime soon! My 3rd cycle of chemo starts this coming Monday, and I'll be in hospital till the next weekend so it's best that I don't check myself in any earlier. (Sidetrack: my heart rate decided to go up to 160 one day after I returned home from hospital on Tuesday. Thank god it went down after I took the medication!)

Anyway... I've been getting this a lot — "What do you do in your free time?"

Well, it's true — I have LOADS of free time on my hands now. Most of the time I'm sleeping, and eating... definitely my kind of recuperation. 

Before I started chemotherapy I was talking to Joel about it, there are so many exciting things that I could do to keep myself busy these few months that I'm off work (and also to keep those brain cells working) — continue learning French, do online courses that will up my PR game, equipping myself with new skills (e.g. art, photoshop, Microsoft excel) etc.

But when I really got home after my first round of chemotherapy... I was feeling so lethargic and simply nua. I decided that these few months I only needed to do one thing — rest well!! But during the past few weeks I realized that "hey, baking is actually quite fun and therapeutic ah". So... that's my new skill. #domesticated

So far my first attempts have been successful - except for flourless peanut butter choc chip cookies. Not sure why the cookie refused to stick together?! Like the peanut butter continued to crumble :( perhaps I was abit too excited and scooped too much peanut butter. 

But yes, for someone who NEVER steps into the kitchen (except to grab food to eat)... I must say I have leveled up!! The recipes I've used are generally fuss-free and do not need a lot of equipment/utensils (post-baking, i.e. cleaning, ughh). I'd be more than glad to share, just let me know :)

Strawberry muffins

Matcha Chia Pudding, topped with cranberries

Cinnamon Sugar Popovers

Matcha White Chocolate Chip Cookies

Molten  chocolate lava cake! 
Used the airfryer to make this and it surprisingly turned out great.

Lifestyle changes

My typical kind of breakfast nowadays

I believe that chemotherapy alone will not be able to treat cancer. There's also a need for a change in mindset, and with that, a change in lifestyle — especially in terms of diet. I think it is essential to feed your body the right way so that it remains strong and well-equipped enough to fight these nasty cells. Plus, it doesn't help that chemotherapy kills BOTH good and bad cells. So the more it is important for the body to get as much nutrients and anti-oxidants as possible to cope with the battle!

My parents and I have been reading quite a fair bit online. Cancer cells feed on certain sugars... so I've been staying away from artificially sweet food. It's a big change for me because I have a mega sweet tooth and I love my desserts! Thank god for natural sweeteners like honey and fruits which keep these sugar pangs at bay haha but of course, everything in moderation.

I've also learnt about the importance of organic food! Especially since my immune system is lower than normal, and with chemotherapy, I feel that I should limit the unnecessary chemicals going into my body as much as possible. I used to personally think that there was little need for organic food because we have been eating normal food our whole lives and our bodies should have adapted right? Plus it's so expensive here in Singapore! 

But after everything now... imagining the amount of chemicals and pesticides that go into our everyday food — it just isn't natural for our bodies to take in so much nasty stuff!

Realistically I don't think there is a need to have a 100% organic lifestyle. For me, I just believe that if you're eating something raw/juicing, it'll be good that the fruits and vegetables are organic so that you know that your body is absorbing all the wonderful nutrients without any compromise. 

And it doesn't stop at organic food! I've also switched to organic skincare — using Kora Organics by Miranda Kerr now. Pricey, but I think super worth it! My skin remains less shiny throughout the day and I haven't had pimples in the last 2 months! I read on the Kora Organics blog that an average woman puts at least 200 chemicals on her face everyday?! I think this is pretty accurate because I was looking at my other products and true enough... I did not recognize any ingredient (all chemical names) except for "aqua/water". 

Ok I sound like an organic maniac haha but for my case now I really don't want any more unwanted and unnecessary chemicals to be in my body. Also, chemotherapy has caused my skin to be extra sensitive and dry. Decided to try Kora Organics because y'know... look good to feel good! Hehe

Anyway I've been really blessed to have my dad and his friends flying to organic paradises like USA and Australia to buy organic produce for me. Because it's locally produced it's so much cheaper and easily available! LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIFUL CARROTS AND BEETROOT FROM AUSTRALIA!!!! The carrots look exactly like the kind that Bugs Bunny eats. Like WHUT?! Honestly I haven't seen carrots and beetroots being sold like this with their leaves in Singapore... ever. Felt like a citygal noob when my dad showed them to me. 

There are a couple of organic stores in Singapore that my parents have gone to as well. As an alternative to dairy milk, I've been drinking unsweetened almond milk (prefer it to soy milk). One carton costs $8?! Madness. But my mom bought 4 for me to try anyway. So glad to have found it on iHerb.com at half the price!! I have another 4 cartons on the way to Singapore now. Just bought another bunch of stuff as well — organic pasta, organic granola... It's a great site to buy healthier products. 

They seriously stock everything organic/gluten-free/vegan, and products range from groceries to household items! And the best part — shipping is only SGD4 for max 6kg worth of stuff! Plus there's $10 off for your first order, and an extra 10% if your order's >$40! You may use my referral code BJS904. Good things must share! (Thanks Clare for recommending this site to me!!)

Wow that was a lengthy post — but just thought I'd share on how things have changed for me. There are soooo many articles on how people have changed their lives drastically (e.g. no meat diet, juice-only diet) to cure cancer. So much information and perspectives it was quite overwhelming. But I strongly believe that every individual copes differently. It's good to have all these information on hand, and from there, adjust accordingly to make it work for yourself.