Running for...

I hardly realised that it's been almost 5 months since I updated this space! Thank you all who have dropped me messages along the way to check on me, I appreciate it. My family and I joined Run for Hope 2016 this year, it was our first run together. We ran for... faith, strength, more courage, all of us, and for YOU.

2016 has been a good year so far, and I hope it has been for you too. I spent New Year's in Japan, and it was wonderful. It feels good to be travelling again, and it's always nice to take a break once in a while. 

On 5 Feb, I went for a CT scan — it was almost a year since my last scan, hence the results for this scan will give the doctors a good sense of whether my health is on the right track. Due to CNY and some work commitments, I only managed to receive the scan results on Tuesday (23 Feb). Actually I kinda had a good feeling about it, cuz I'm sure the doctors won't wait 2 weeks to tell you bad news right? But of course, didn't want to think too much into it so I kept myself busy.

Tuesday came along... and it was the best news I've heard in awhile. Dr Lim ST said I'm in remission!!! Doctors haven't used that word on my case before, so it was a big step forward for me. A sweet victory! Joel and my mom were there with me and we were all so happy!

I believe that all patients work and pray towards having to hear this 'r' word post-treatment. It's been more than a year since I ended chemotherapy/started radiotherapy, and life has gone on. Honestly, most of the time nowadays I forget that I was sick... but on the days when I remember, I am reminded of how blessed I am to have been able to push through.

Now that there's remission, we'll be working towards full remission in a few years — one step at a time. Let's do this!

One year on

Today marks my first "anniversary"- can't believe it has already been a year since I was first admitted to the hospital. 

There are times when I'll randomly scroll through the posts of this blog, re-playing the different experiences in my mind. I know that they may not all be the happiest, and most of the time I end up tearing- but they do remind me to stay strong, stay hopeful, and to always have faith. I have been so blessed with the love and support of my family and the people around me. 

I'd also like to update that my heart ablation on Thursday wasn't as successful as we have hoped it to be... But at least there are no complications for now and my palpitations are most likely gone. More about that another day. 

13 September 2015: One thing's for sure- I'll never let any disease or illness rob me of my joy, because I've learnt that no matter how small, there's always something to be thankful for. 

Post-Treatment Thoughts

Last Friday 20th March 2015, after 6 cycles of chemotherapy and 17 sessions of radiotherapy, I'm finally done with treatment!!! WOOHOOO. The road to recovery the past 6 months has been tough, but God has gifted me with so many graces to travel this road. Thank you all for soldiering on with me — the visits, prayers, well wishes, kind words of encouragement... they mean a lot! 

Can't believe these 6 months have gone on by so quickly. Not complaining though, just feeling very blessed. This journey has taught me many things, and I thought it'll be nice to share with you guys.

Health is wealth

Growing up, I was always involved in sports — netball, in particular. I've been playing netball competitively, representing my schools since I was 13. In primary school, I was a lazy bum. But a smart one, because I found out that I could list 'piano' as my CCA teehee... so I didn't have to go for any CCA practices etc and could spend more time watching tv at home. But I still liked running, so I was a runner for my House and participated during Sports Day every year. I remember winning my first gold medal in P3 at my first event, and actually slept with it around my neck because I refused to take it off (lol what was I thinking). 

I'm bringing all these up to show that I wasn't the most unhealthy person — yes, I eat McDonalds occasionally (side note: think I'm never gonna have macs again crai), but I exercised regularly too! Especially during netball days, no way was I unfit and unhealthy then. Ok, I admit that I stopped exercising regularly when I graduated, but at least I was still loving my fruits and vegetables?

Truth is, no one expected me to get cancer. Not now, not when I'm 22 and at the start of my career. 

It is so important to treat your body right. I can't emphasize how important it is to eat right — I'm not saying to convert to a vegetarian/stop eating sugar etc but moderation is definitely key. Being young doesn't mean the body is insusceptible to illnesses! Cancer doesn't only happen to old people. Apparently my kind of lymphoma happens mostly in young women... who would have known?! 

Like me, many young people take their health for granted. Not because we don't care... I guess it just doesn't strike us? We assume that our youth equates to health, and then it just disappears in our list of priorities. But we forget that without health, we can neither pursue our paper chase for qualifications, nor climb up that esteemed career ladder. 

"Smile, and you'd have won half the battle"

I am very touched by the comments which say that I've been strong, brave and positive... I really appreciate them — thank you for taking time to write to me, and for keeping me in your prayers. Honestly, what keeps me going is the faith that with God's grace, I will completely recover. Also, I draw my strength from the people around me (especially my family, and my close friends). I wouldn't have done it without them. They have supported me through everything. My parents would visit me twice a day when I was warded, giving me home-cooked lunch and dinner lovingly made by my grandma so that I didn't need to eat hospital meals. I am so blessed to be at the receiving end of such great love.

During my hospital stays, I've always had wonderful roomies (haha) to accompany me. Even though they may be three to four times my age, I enjoyed all our conversations. I believe that God placed these individuals there with a purpose — to keep me company, and make me laugh and be touched by their stories. During the period when I was just diagnosed, one elderly lady in the next bed asked me why I was there, and I started tearing when I shared my story. She then said something which resonated in me until today — "Girl ah... smile, and you'd have won half the battle". 

You can face anything, just do it afraid

I thought long and hard before posting up the photo of me and my baby-hair head. I decided to go ahead with it, because I wanted to show that there is nothing wrong with having less hair. Yes, I cried so much when I shaved it all off. But then I remembered that I wasn't alone. Thousands of other women have shaved their heads to fight hair loss, a distressing side-effect of chemotherapy. I can only wish that I am brave enough to leave out the wig when I'm out. 

I've also read about some women in the US who try to prevent hair loss by using ice caps during chemotherapy. Apparently by reducing blood flow to the scalp, this limits chemotherapy exposure to hair follicles. The thing is, it hurts like mad?!! Imagine having a block of ice on your head 24/7. But by doing this, there is also a concern that this reduces the effectiveness of treatment in that area. If you ask me to choose, I'd rather have my head shaved than all the other nasty side-effects of chemotherapy like vomiting. 

Anyway, I also learnt about the importance of eyebrows and eyelashes... They are SO important to a face's structure omg. The photo that I posted above is considered the 'nicer' version. So here's me, with a few tiny strands of eyebrows, and zero eyelashes. And a shiny bald head. (At least the flush from the drugs gave my face abit of colour haha)

I'll be recuperating at home for the next couple of weeks. I'll update whenever I can! Today, Singapore lost our founding father Mr Lee Kuan Yew. He was a great man who built Singapore, a place I proudly call Home. May he always be remembered. Rest in peace!

How Does Radiotherapy Work?

/edit @630PM

To Uncle J and Aunty AK (pretty sure you both will be reading this hehe):

Thank you so much for the lovely flowers, they were a wonderful surprise. Very touched by the handwritten note as well; really appreciate your kind words of encouragement and support. Would love to thank you both personally next time. God bless!

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Radiotherapy means the use of radiation, usually X-rays, to treat illness. X-rays were discovered in 1895 and since then radiation has been used in medicine for diagnosis and investigation (X-rays) and treatment (radiotherapy). 

Doctors have a lot of experience using radiotherapy in medicine. About 4 out of 10 people with cancer (40%) have radiotherapy as part of their treatment. It can be given in various ways, including from outside the body as external radiotherapy, using X-rays from linear accelerator machines, electrons, and more rarely other particles such as protons. 

Radiotherapy destroys the cancer cells in the treated area by damaging the DNA within these cells. Although normal cells are also affected by radiation, they are better at repairing themselves than the cancer cells.

Source: Cancer Research UK

I have gone for 3 radiotherapy sessions so far, and it has been really manageable. It is always at the same treatment room, with the same staff. That's really good because patients feel comfortable. Also, when you look up at the ceiling, there's a giant projection of a mountain and the sea. Makes you feel like you're on top of a mountain!

Did I mention that they play pop music too? It's great as it feels as if time passes really quickly. The second session was as long as 2 Bruno Mars songs, and 1 Capital Cities song. The third session played the extended version of Justin Timberlake's Mirrors... and as soon as the song ended I was already done! For one of the sessions, classical music was being played for another man who had treatment before me. Before my session started:

Me: Eh what happened to the pop music?

Radiotherapist: Haha, you like ah? Ok play for you.

Teehee now I use songs to have an inkling of how long every treatment takes.

In total, I'll have to go for 17 sessions. My last one will be on 20th March (my sister's birthday!). I was told that the first 4 sessions will be abit longer (~15 mins), and I'll have a doctor's appointment every Monday after treatment. Treatments will usually only last 5-10 minutes. As mentioned in the previous post, during treatment, I'll have to fit myself in the body mould and have my arms over my head. Most importantly, I can't move! I'll wriggle my fingers from time to time so that they won't freeze. 

When I get home, I'll apply lavender essential oil on the affected area, so that the skin will not be too dry. So far so good, no red patches whatsoever. 

Aaaaaand... I have to update everyone that my hair has been growing!!!! Eyelashes and eyebrows too. My eyebrows are actually growing so much I have started tweezing the stray ones lol. My head now is filled with baby hair hahaha I feel like a giant baby

Tadah!!! Shadow of my baby hair 

4th PET Scan + Results

On Monday, I went for my 4th PET scan. Thank God the wait wasn't as long as the previous one, it was surprising because I thought the hospital will be a madhouse with everyone scheduling their appointments after CNY. 

I got my scan results yesterday, and Dr Lim says "Your lymphoma is in remission". OMG, best 5 words I've heard this year. But but but!!!!! The scan shows that there is still a 'stable' mass left, with less activity compared to my previous scan. Since the scan is done a month after my chemotherapy ended, a decrease in activity = the mass left should probably be scarred tissue, and non-cancerous in nature.

That being said, taking my age into consideration, Dr Lim still feels the strong need for radiotherapy because it will kill the tiny possibility of any cancer cells lingering behind undetected by the scan. I guess that's the best way forward now. 

Radiotherapy starts tomorrow, let's go!

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Yesterday after the appointment, we were about to turn into MCE, when Joel and I made a spontaneous decision to go to Gardens by the Bay! Even paid to get up on the Giant Supertrees hahaha it was a wonderful time getting some fresh air and scenery.

So thankful.

Dealing with Hair Loss

(L-R) Bob, Pixie, Just before going to the salon, Shaving halfway (couldn't resist taking a photo teehee I look so badass)

I have been keeping this blog post on hold because it means so much to me. Since my chemotherapy sessions have come to an end, I thought it would be a good time to share it here — not for the purpose for others, but rather, more for my myself to remember.

I shaved off my hair on 20th October 2014 after my second chemotherapy. In the mornings, my pillow would have collected strands of hair, and I will continue shedding hair throughout the day around the house. Honestly, it was getting frustrating, and emotionally draining whenever my hair dropped in clumps (especially when I showered!). 

I remember it being either the first or second day that I was back home after my second cycle... It popped up while I was talking to my mom, and it was rather impromptu I'd must say. I took half an hour to decide if it was the day to shave — I stared at the mirror, prayed for strength, and thought, sooner or later right?

The next important question: Which salon should I go to? 

I didn’t want to trouble my hair stylist to come down to my place (like how he came to SGH to cut my bob, and for my pixie style I actually went do to the salon at Siglap), and since I thought shaving didn’t need much skill; I did a quick google search and settled for the most random salon on the second floor at Elias Mall near home.

My mom accompanied me, and when I walked into the salon… “I would like to shave my hair, please”. The hairdresser asked softly, “all of it?” I nodded, and there weren’t any more questions.

Army boys have different ‘levels’ of shaving, so I thought this was the best thing to describe how short I wanted my hair to be. “Number 4!” … It turned out messy, and worse, patchy. Unfortunately, hair loss from chemotherapy is horribly uneven. For me, most of my hair loss is at the crown of my head, compared to the back. So from Number 4, it became Number 1, and then it just became 0 (i.e. the shortest the shaver could go).

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I’ve always thought that those who shaved for Hair for Hope were really brave. I even remember having this conversation with a group of friends jokingly: “Maybe if you pay me $10,000 I’d go for it. Actually maybe $100,000??” 

Well, the joke’s on me now. I don’t know how to put this nicely… I guess for young males with shaved heads, people go, “oh, army boy”. For females, if it’s not during Hair for Hope, first reactions would usually be, “oh no, she has cancer”. It's like no matter how brave you are, it's just so damn hard to walk along the streets bald. 

I think my worst fear is for a kid to see me and to ask his/her mom, “Mummy, why doesn’t she have hair?” WAH I think I’ll cry. Thankfully, my mom thought well ahead, and brought me to buy my wig right after my first chemotherapy when I wasn’t shedding as much hair yet. True story: We were in the lift heading to the car park, when this boy (carried by his mom) PULLED MY WIG!!!!!! Um… Lucky it didn’t drop? The mom kept apologising, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t know it was a wig, but still?! Could the boy really recognise the fake hair? (Actually my wig is made of real hair haha but ok, not the point!)

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Hair loss hasn’t been limited to my head — I’ve lost ALL my eyebrows and eyelashes too. I used to have longer than average eyelashes so I was quite sad when my last old eyelash dropped during my last chemotherapy (I really had the hope that it'll be the last one standing haha). But thank God they've been growing out pretty quickly such that it’s not fully bare at once. To think of it positively... at least it’s like a full body IPL? Hahaha

I’ve gotten used to my new (hair)style the past few months. It is definitely breezier and makes showering a whole lot easier. I have been reading Joyce Meyer’s Living Courageously — “You can face anything, just do it afraid”. I know I wouldn’t be able to walk around a mall without a wig (sorry this one really too extreme), but I thought I took a baby step forward when I walked around the hospital on two occasions au naturel. 

I have been refusing to wear a beanie cuz I think I look very sickly and weak, and I have horrible scarf tying skills… So the wig has been the best option for me. Of course, there are still a few days when I scroll through Instagram and feel sad when other girls caption ‘bad hair day’ when they still look gorgeous anyway. 

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To be honest, it didn’t come easy. I curled up on my bed and cried like a baby when my first clump of hair came off in the shower. Hair loss has taught me many things — I know it may seem like a trivial side effect of chemotherapy because ‘hair can always grow back’, but I’m glad, and proud, that with God’s grace, I have learnt to slowly overcome this.

Yet having said all these, I’m still a girl, so… hair quickly grow back please!!!

Hello 2015!

Have been pretty busy the past week — celebrating Christmas and New Year's, and even catching up with my ACJC classmates, as well as Clare & Faith. It has been a while since I have went out with friends, so I was abit apprehensive at first (what if my heart rate goes up? what if it's too crowded?)... But I'm glad I did! Always great to spend time with friends that I hold dearly to my heart. On another happy note, Joel is home from his exchange in Copenhagen!!! 

2014 was a rollercoaster ride for me — I graduated with a BA in Sociology, went on an ultimate grad trip to Korea, Cambodia and Europe, started work at a PR firm... but it was also the year that I was diagnosed with lymphoma. It was unexpected, shocking, and a blow to what I deem as my smooth-sailing life. Rather than a 'battle', I would like to call the past 4 months a learning journey. Looking back, I've so much to be thankful for. There has been progress in my treatment, and I'll be ending my last chemotherapy the following week (probably 13th Jan!). A great start to the new year!

I don't know what 2015 holds, but that's what's exciting isn't it? That way, we'll make the most out of it.

Happy New Year!

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Here are some happy food photos to end 2014:

Our Christmas roasted duck stuffed with orange turned out pretty awesome!

Linguini with mackerel at Spathe Public House 

Spaghetti in organic tomato sauce, with spinach and feta cheese at Real Food (Clarke Quay)

Strawberry cheesecake for New Year's Eve

Yesterday's scare

Had an appointment to see Dr Lim yesterday, and as usual, did my blood tests and the flushing/cleaning of my PICC line. There are two lumens on my line... one was alright but the other was not!!! There was no back flow, and worse, it couldn't be flushed. This meant that no liquid could flow through the tube as there was a clot somewhere, most probably due to fibrene. At that point, there were only two scenarios:

1. They'll inject some medication into the line, leave it there for an hour to unblock it, or;

2. If the above doesn't work... They'll remove the entire PICC line, and schedule me for surgery to re-insert it.

Honestly, I was so sian and heavy-hearted when I heard the second part.

But this morning, the moment of truth — when blood started gushing out into the syringe as it pulled back (the backflow)... The clot is gone! With God's grace, the medication worked!!! So thankful yay. Will be starting chemotherapy this afternoon, it'll be my 5th and second last cycle. It's a bit early this time round so that I'll be home just in time for Christmas :) Here we go!

Realized I haven't posted a photo of the line without it being wrapped up in dressing... For those who are interested, it looks like this! (p.s. Not for the faint-hearted hehe sorry it looks kinda gross)

The Budwig Diet

Based on the information from here:

The Budwig Diet is also known as the Cottage Cheese & Flaxseed Oil Diet created by Dr Budwig  — purported to be an alternative treatment for cancer and other chronic disease. A mix of these two ingredients is one component of a protocol involving additional types of alternative therapy, and generally avoiding conventional treatment such as chemotherapy and radiation.

Budwig said that the blood of cancer patients was deficient in some essential components, including phosphatides and lipoproteins. This affects the proper balance between the electrically negative cell membranes and the electrically positive nutrients, causing stagnated healthy cell growth. A balance could be restored through diet over three months, resulting in better health.

Eating a specific mix of cottage cheese and flaxseed oil is said to help resolve stagnated healthy cell growth and cause tumors to dissolve. This is due to the essential electron-rich unsaturated fats in flaxseed oil and the sulfur protein of cottage cheese. The chemical reaction between these two makes the oil soluble in water, so it can permeate cell membranes and produce healing effects.

To make the cottage cheese and flaxseed oil combination, I use the immersion blender to blend 2 or 4 tbsp. of cottage cheese to 1 or 2 tbsp. of oil. To make it more palatable, I will add fruits, chia seeds etc as seen in the photo above. That one has strawberries, chia seeds and lime zest (extras from my key lime tart).  

I have been having this 'diet' multiple times a week — not sure if it works because I'm under chemotherapy as well; whereas those under this strict diet are usually patients who are seeking alternative therapy. In any case, I hope eating this will be a supplement!

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In other news, yesterday I was getting out of the car at Eastpoint Mall... when my heart palpitations came back again :'( CRAI. Spent almost 30 mins sitting at Tori Q in the basement instead of exploring the newly renovated mall. Tried my best coughing hard to get my heart back on track but to no avail. When I got home, my heart rate was around 146. Lay on my bed and didn't move an inch cuz I was afraid my heart rate will go up (dinner in bed!). My mom managed to contact Dr Eric, and he asked me to take an extra dose of my heart medication. Past 10pm, my heart rate finally slowed to 100+, I think it's due to the combination of both the medication and the effect of blowing the syringe (the cardiologists taught me this method to reverse my fast heart rate). 

Well, at least it went down and saved us a trip to the ER where I would have been kept for at least a night. So thankful. 

22nd

I actually had a brilliant birthday week thanks to my wonderful family and friends — it started with the ACJC classmates surprising me the previous saturday. They planned it with my mom such that my parents ordered a chocolate banana cake which was sugar-free, gluten-free, dairy-free... Basically guilt-free. It turned out pretty yummy for a cake without eggs and all!

On Tuesday, my aunties and uncles came over and there was a cookout at my place. Popiah, salad, spaghetti with alfredo sauce... Super yum! 

On the actual day, my parents brought me out to eat dimsum (!!!) at our usual Imperial Treasure at Tampines 1. This was a real treat because I seldom eat out nowadays... Much less dimsum! Plus I was craving it for the longest time, so you have no idea how happy I was. Clare also sent a massive bouquet of flowers (totally pageant worthy) and a cool tea set from Naiise, thank you bff!! Dinner we tried to balance out the 'unhealthiness' and tried this pretty cool organic and vegetarian cafe called Real Food. I had this beetroot burger which was really good! The pumpkin soup was delicious too.

On Saturday, the Tembusu friends came over. So sweet of them to bring dimsum from Imperial Treasure (again HAHAHA but they knew I was craving it, and went out of the way to get it from one of my fav dimsum places; anyway no one can ever get enough of dimsum!). In the evening, my ACJC netball seniors came to visit! It's been years since I've met up with them so it was really nice to see all of them together. 

Thank you everyone who took time to wish me — I really appreciate it! Amidst the celebrations...it's also a time to reflect and be thankful. I am really blessed with amazing and ever supportive family and friends. They keep my spirits up, and I wouldn't dare think of how I'd be coping without them. Thank you for making my 22nd birthday so wonderful!