Dealing with Hair Loss

(L-R) Bob, Pixie, Just before going to the salon, Shaving halfway (couldn't resist taking a photo teehee I look so badass)

I have been keeping this blog post on hold because it means so much to me. Since my chemotherapy sessions have come to an end, I thought it would be a good time to share it here — not for the purpose for others, but rather, more for my myself to remember.

I shaved off my hair on 20th October 2014 after my second chemotherapy. In the mornings, my pillow would have collected strands of hair, and I will continue shedding hair throughout the day around the house. Honestly, it was getting frustrating, and emotionally draining whenever my hair dropped in clumps (especially when I showered!). 

I remember it being either the first or second day that I was back home after my second cycle... It popped up while I was talking to my mom, and it was rather impromptu I'd must say. I took half an hour to decide if it was the day to shave — I stared at the mirror, prayed for strength, and thought, sooner or later right?

The next important question: Which salon should I go to? 

I didn’t want to trouble my hair stylist to come down to my place (like how he came to SGH to cut my bob, and for my pixie style I actually went do to the salon at Siglap), and since I thought shaving didn’t need much skill; I did a quick google search and settled for the most random salon on the second floor at Elias Mall near home.

My mom accompanied me, and when I walked into the salon… “I would like to shave my hair, please”. The hairdresser asked softly, “all of it?” I nodded, and there weren’t any more questions.

Army boys have different ‘levels’ of shaving, so I thought this was the best thing to describe how short I wanted my hair to be. “Number 4!” … It turned out messy, and worse, patchy. Unfortunately, hair loss from chemotherapy is horribly uneven. For me, most of my hair loss is at the crown of my head, compared to the back. So from Number 4, it became Number 1, and then it just became 0 (i.e. the shortest the shaver could go).

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I’ve always thought that those who shaved for Hair for Hope were really brave. I even remember having this conversation with a group of friends jokingly: “Maybe if you pay me $10,000 I’d go for it. Actually maybe $100,000??” 

Well, the joke’s on me now. I don’t know how to put this nicely… I guess for young males with shaved heads, people go, “oh, army boy”. For females, if it’s not during Hair for Hope, first reactions would usually be, “oh no, she has cancer”. It's like no matter how brave you are, it's just so damn hard to walk along the streets bald. 

I think my worst fear is for a kid to see me and to ask his/her mom, “Mummy, why doesn’t she have hair?” WAH I think I’ll cry. Thankfully, my mom thought well ahead, and brought me to buy my wig right after my first chemotherapy when I wasn’t shedding as much hair yet. True story: We were in the lift heading to the car park, when this boy (carried by his mom) PULLED MY WIG!!!!!! Um… Lucky it didn’t drop? The mom kept apologising, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t know it was a wig, but still?! Could the boy really recognise the fake hair? (Actually my wig is made of real hair haha but ok, not the point!)

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Hair loss hasn’t been limited to my head — I’ve lost ALL my eyebrows and eyelashes too. I used to have longer than average eyelashes so I was quite sad when my last old eyelash dropped during my last chemotherapy (I really had the hope that it'll be the last one standing haha). But thank God they've been growing out pretty quickly such that it’s not fully bare at once. To think of it positively... at least it’s like a full body IPL? Hahaha

I’ve gotten used to my new (hair)style the past few months. It is definitely breezier and makes showering a whole lot easier. I have been reading Joyce Meyer’s Living Courageously — “You can face anything, just do it afraid”. I know I wouldn’t be able to walk around a mall without a wig (sorry this one really too extreme), but I thought I took a baby step forward when I walked around the hospital on two occasions au naturel. 

I have been refusing to wear a beanie cuz I think I look very sickly and weak, and I have horrible scarf tying skills… So the wig has been the best option for me. Of course, there are still a few days when I scroll through Instagram and feel sad when other girls caption ‘bad hair day’ when they still look gorgeous anyway. 

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To be honest, it didn’t come easy. I curled up on my bed and cried like a baby when my first clump of hair came off in the shower. Hair loss has taught me many things — I know it may seem like a trivial side effect of chemotherapy because ‘hair can always grow back’, but I’m glad, and proud, that with God’s grace, I have learnt to slowly overcome this.

Yet having said all these, I’m still a girl, so… hair quickly grow back please!!!